4 Steps to Healing Shame and Bringing Connection Instead of Disconnection to Yourself and Others

Mindbody Wellness Clarity Tips

Dear Awesome Woman,

What happens in your body when you bring to mind something you feel ashamed about? Does your chest get tight or do you feel a sense of smallness, a shrinking inward, a desire to disappear or hide? Take a moment of awareness by being with the sensation. 

Life is a process and as humans, mistakes are embedded in our DNA. There are times when you may have unwittingly said or done harmful things to yourself or others. You took actions that were not in alignment with your highest self and wound up hurting those you care about. When glancing back on these past situations, a sense of shame wells up.

Shame is a very human emotion, but not necessarily a very productive one. What can you do to heal it? 

You can come with compassion and kindness to honor that misalignment of your past self. You have the power to do that and the shame will dissolve when you greet that past version of yourself with love and understanding. This is the way to move into a higher divine alignment in which, moving forward, you will show up more kind and healthy to others including yourself.

Shame tends to find excuses and distance—that shrinking from showing up.

Self-compassion tends to find accountability and connection.

For example, as a mom, I have a million and one ways and opportunities to make mistakes. If I’m nervous about something and my child asks me a question, I may reply with impatience. 

Impatience hurts. My child doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment for an innocent question. If I offer compassion to myself—recognizing that I was feeling stressed—then I won’t waste time beating myself up and I won’t shrink away from taking responsibility for my hurtful actions. Instead, I’ll most likely choose accountability and connection by giving the child a hug with an apology— “I’m sorry. I was nervous about something and I responded to you in an unkind way.” Since I didn’t drown in my shame, I’ll have the resources and energy to show up kind, nourishing the child and the relationship. 

So, next time you think back on a situation that brings up a sense of shame, try these steps:

Step #1: 

Notice where it’s felt as a physical sensation in your body. Does your chest feel tight? Rest your hand on that spot for a few seconds. By placing your attention on that sensation, your body receives the message that you are listening to it. 

Do you feel like curling inward, disappearing? Then curl forward for a few seconds. 

Step #2: 

Stretch upwards and take an expansive belly breath in and out.

Step #3:

Bring a compassionate presence into your imagination—perhaps an older, wiser person or even a kind angel. Let them hug you or offer comfort to you for being human and being in misalignment with your higher self.

Step #4:

If the shame involves another person and there’s a way to take accountability, then do so. With healthy shame, you’re basically saying, “Hey, my humanness caused me to hurt that person” and you’re acknowledging, “they don’t deserve that treatment from me.” You’re taking action to bring healing to that person and relationship.

If you cannot make amends with the person you made a mistake with or if the misalignment had more to do with you hurting yourself, then know that compassion has a healing grace to it. That energy will radiate into the world, healing wounds, yours and others. Not only will you feel more inner peace, but people will feel safer and more loved in your presence. Your divine light will shine stronger and bring healing to the world.

Need a helping hand? I invite you to schedule your Free Clarity call today. As a Somatic Healer, Clarity Coach and Relationship Expert, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Stress and pain relief, trauma processing, marriage magic, dating guidance, Narcissist/Borderline-relationship detoxing, career shifts and goal setting can all be accomplished through Mindbody Soul sessions (by phone). 

Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free  download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web” ). 

A happy client shares:

“Many challenging waves of emotions have been arising lately which I felt I did not have outlets or tools to deal with. I felt like all these emotions were sort of stuck within me. Miriam taught me more about my waves of emotions, how to access them, work through them, ride them, and rise above them. Many times emotions can be daunting and frightening to face, but with Miriam’s insightful and practical tools, they allowed me to discover how to manage during emotional challenges to arrive at a deeper and truer place within myself. I am joyful and thankful for all the work we did together and look forward to continue to apply and integrate these wonderful coaching tools. Thank you : )” – A.C., Illinois

Enjoy my Award-Winning memoir, God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife. Just honored with the Gold award by the Nonfiction Book Awards, it was an 8-year long journey of birthing it into the world. It was a worthwhile one indeed to share this tale of love, humor, faith, and Kabbalistic mystical happenings.