Imagine a large circle and within that circle are many other circles. In the center is a big dot. You are the dot.
In the circles closest to that dot are the kind people in your life—ones who you can be vulnerable with; in the circles furthest from that dot or better yet, not even within sight of that dot are those who are unkind, critical, petty, manipulative. And the ones way outside your circles are the ones who have taken advantage of you, and/or are energy vampires, Borderline/Narcissists etc.
There. That is boundaries in a nutshell.
I wish it were that simple. And maybe it is.
Bottomline, it’s really important to surround yourself—that inner dot— with kind people and it’s crucial for your health to release harmful people from your life. With them it is best if they are at the outer circles or even non-existent on your circles.
How do you do this? You listen to the wisdom of your body, your emotions and your intuition and let them act as discerning compasses regarding who you let into your life. These are your boundaries.
With your mind, it is best to be careful because of the “should” factor and also because of “people-pleasing” habits.
Here is an example:
Coworker A stops by your desk. As you’re talking, you notice that when she is putting down another co-worker, let’s call her Coworker B, your jaw tightens. You try to defend Coworker B, but get rebuffed. Coworker A laughs and says that she was only kidding, can’t you take a joke? Your stomach drops and you feel a blush come to your face. Since childhood, you’ve been told that you’re too sensitive and take things too seriously. You decide to laugh along with Coworker A who turns and saunters off.
What happens next is the key to better health and the hearing of your inner wisdom. You can sit down at your desk and berate yourself for being too sensitive or you can honestly process your emotions, going into the bathroom for privacy if needed.
Hopefully, you’ll choose honesty with yourself. To do this, first tune into your body. Is the blush still there? Do you feel heat anywhere else? How’s your stomach feel? What about your jaw? Just notice what is going on inside your body.
Then whoosh out a long exhale and next, take a breath in, expanding your stomach like a soft helium balloon. Then shake and wiggle your body gently.
Notice if your mind is trying to make excuses for Coworker A’s behavior—is your mind saying that you “should” judge her positively or whispering that really she didn’t mean any harm?
Let your mind say whatever it wants, but don’t listen to it. Don’t latch onto any of those thoughts. Instead give yourself a hug and a moment of compassion.
Say kind and honest words to yourself:
“That was a lousy interaction.”
“I don’t like Coworker A.”
“I handled that uncomfortable situation the best way I could.”
“Coworker A enjoys speaking negatively about other people and I really dislike that.”
Also, tune in and see if your intuition has anything to say. It’ll feel neutral in your body (like a slight “aha”) and like a wise knowing. It may even whisper to you that she is a bully, but there won’t be any emotion around that knowing. It’s just stating a fact for the moment.
The crucial point to understand is that you have a nervous system that operates best when it feels safe. That’s when all your functions are in top gear. If you have unkind, petty, critical, manipulative people in your life, your body gets signaled that it is in danger and pumps adrenaline and cortisol through your bloodstream and organs. Not healthy for sure!
And though it may feel scary and unsafe to make changes with this coworker, your soul is calling you forward to make an adjustment. Humans are afraid of being kicked out of social tribes.To see someone’s behavior as disagreeable can feel dangerous because once you see it, you may have to take action. With Coworker A, you may choose to speak up next time and not be intimidated. Or you may choose to avoid him/her. In the long run though, making stronger boundaries for yourself by moving certain people further from you, your nervous system will spend more time relaxed within the embrace of the loving-kindness atmosphere you have created in your life. Like being nurtured by a soft blanket, your body will recover from the harm it’s received from those not looking out for your benefit. Both your body and soul will thank you.
***An important note: if the person you’re having trouble with is a spouse, please reach out for a Free Clarity Call. Men and women have very different styles of communication and you can nurture the emotional safety in your home and relationship by tweaking your words, your languaging and your energy. I’m happy to help you tune-up your marriage to a more loving, kind vibe.
Need a helping hand? You can easily schedule a Free Clarity call here. As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert, and Clarity Coach, I help busy women step into their radiant power through quick shifts towards transformational healing, relationship and marriage tune-ups, and Borderline/Narcissist relationship detoxes. Looking forward to hearing your voice 🙂
I also invite you to download your free eguide “How to Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web.”Please share this newsletter if you know someone who has been affected by a Borderline/Narcissist. These relationships are truly toxic and the information shared can be lifesaving. Thank you!
“I came to Miriam looking for help recovering from a painful breakup with a covert narcissist that I’d been suffering over for far too long. I realized that I’d not only been struggling from my most recent relationship but also from my childhood relationship with my father, which I thought I’d dealt with years ago. I learned that I had energy stuck in my body from real traumas I’d experienced, which talk alone was just not able to process. Miriam helped me with real-time processing in my body and clearing the immediate pain, as well as healing the source of my unhealthy relationship choices, and given me tools for compassionately helping myself when difficult emotions arise in the future, leaving me feeling stable and self assured about myself and my future.”
“I came to Miriam Racquel because I wanted peace and for my husband to be aware of his irrational, angry and defensive behavior. I knew I had to grow/shift for this to transpire. Through our work I regained my center and sense of self and self esteem that I didn’t even realize I had lost! I gained Realization that I had to have healthy boundaries and self respect so I didn’t “allow him” to behave this way to me. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my marriage. He is a completely different person. Actually he’s his “true” self – kind, loving, warm! When I became non-reactive to his irrational, highly defensive and uncalled for behavior, stood my ground with dignity, relative calm and self respect, I became like a mirror for him and he was able to SEE himself and begin his process of growth.”