Is Your Child or Friend a Victim of a Borderline/Narcissist?
Is Your Child or Friend a Victim of a Borderline/Narcissist?
Mindbody Wellness & Clarity Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
I was listening to a self-help book on audible the other day and the author was mentioning something that her daughter had shared at the dinner table regarding the friction that she was having with her college roommate. These were her words: “I just always feel like I’m the bad guy. It doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it. Every time I talk about what’s bothering me or I express a boundary, I end up feeling like I am in the wrong. It’s happened so many times, I’m now telling myself, ‘I’m selfish. I’m a bad person.’ That’s been my entire year. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way about myself.” (Mel Robbins, “High 5 Habit”)
One of the parents then launched into some self-help babble. I love the author, and I love most of the advice given in the book, but in this situation, I’m using the word “babble” because the response to the daughter was foolish. She was in real danger with this kind of roommate.
When I heard the daughter’s choice of words, my body immediately went into “alarm.” Her expression of her experience with this roommate is the typical languaging of a victim of a Borderline/Narcissist. Her college roommate ain’t no regular roommate—she is actually a dangerous person who is messing with Mel’s daughter’s mind, body, and soul in such a way that, unfortunately, can result in serious damage.
Anyone who has ever been in contact with a Borderline/Narcissist knows what I’m talking about.
The reason why I say this is because I myself have been a victim of Borderline/Narcissists as well as coach and help heal many women who have suffered the same fate. This is the exact languaging we have all used in those circumstances.
I’ve even written a gift e-guide to help others: Escape From the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web which is free to download along with my other gift e-guide 3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way.
A victim of a Borderline/Narcissist doesn’t need some psychological or self-help babble, they need help to call a spade a spade and get out of the toxic relationship. This is one of the biggest problems when a victim of one of these energy vampires comes to a counselor, therapist, parent, or friend for help—the signs aren’t recognized for what they are. The victim winds up thinking that this is just a regular situation and regular ways of communication can be used to help with the “conflict.” The wayward thinking is that there is a “conflict” but this is not true.
There is no conflict. There is only one-way abuse. Clear and simple. No matter what the victim does to try to heal the situation, she will only get more confused and more damaged. Because this is not a loving, kind relationship. This is a sick relationship where the Borderline/Narcissist is getting their kicks from dominating and hurting someone. It feeds their soul.
I will not go into the psychology of why a Borderline/Narcissist is the way they are in this newsletter because it is not relevant to the victim. What is relevant to the victim is that their words are heard loud and clear, their pain and confusion are taken seriously, and that they get the proper somatic (body-based) healing they need. The wounds inflicted from a Borderline/Narcissist get deep in a person’s body and cells.
The gut may be affected because the person experiences tremendous fear with a toxic Borderline/Narcissist—the body knows when someone is lying, manipulating, and trying to assert control over it.
Other organs are also affected because the breath gets constricted when the person is in shock, fear, and confusion that everything is getting turned around on them when they bring up very reasonable issues. Their body reacts to the shock and confusion of trying to be kind while the Borderline/Narcissist who they thought was their friend is nasty, critical, petty, blaming, and mean.
These are the key phrases that should alarm you if you hear expressed from a friend or child about a relationship:
“I just always feel like I’m the bad guy.”
“Every time I talk about what’s bothering me or I express a boundary, I end up feeling like I am in the wrong.”
“It’s happened so many times, I’m now telling myself, “I’m selfish. I’m a bad person.”
These words and the pained look on your loved one’s face indicate a relationship with a Borderline/Narcissist and they don’t need Byron Katie, self-help, or consolation. What they need is for you to “get it”—get that the relationship that they are in is not just a regular one where misunderstandings can be ironed out. Borderline/Narcissist relationships are toxic in the foundation—again, it is not love-based, though, with the initial love-bombing and charm, it could have felt that way. These relationships are based on being under the control and domination of another person and No Body can thrive under that.
***A footnote— If there is a marriage situation where the woman also experiences blame, defensiveness, and shut down from her spouse when she brings up boundaries, complaints, and disagreements, there may be another cause to that—meaning her husband isn’t necessarily a Borderline/Narcissist.
Husbands can be highly allergic to their wives’ negative energy and judgment around their behavior. There is something that I call “husband language” that can make a huge difference as well as other things to do to create an emotionally safe space within the marriage for both husband and wife. I invite you to download my free gift e-guide: “6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!” and check out articles at YourMarriageMagic.com
Need a helping hand? Schedule your free 20-minute Clarity Call today! As a Somatic Healer, Relationship Expert, and Clarity Coach, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Stress and pain relief, trauma processing, marriage magic, dating help, career shifts, Narcissist/Borderline-relationship detoxing, and goal setting can all be accomplished through Mindbody Soul sessions (by phone). Each session creates quantum energetic shifts for healing, insight, and transformation. You have so much wisdom within you!
Download your free gift e-guide: “3 Secrets to Solve Burnout and Get Energized the Mindbody Wellness Way” (also gives access to your free download of “Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web”).
If you’d like more love and fun in your marriage, download your free gift e-guide: “6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!”
If you’re dating, there are beautiful resources for you as well (and they include the red flags to look out for to avoid the narcissists!).
A few testimonials from clients whose lives have been transformed! I invite you to check out more @ Client Love:
“I was referred to Miriam by a friend to help me gain clarity, wisdom, and understanding after exiting an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Miriam’s approach encompasses connecting the mind, body, and soul through a modality of techniques including discussions, deep thinking, and engaging the senses in a cathartic way. After each session, I feel revitalized, and I have a sense of calmness and peace.”
– L.P., Connecticut
“I met Miriam at a professional conference after she introduced herself as someone who specializes in working with women who are dealing with the repercussions of a relationship with a narcissist. I had a painful breakup more than 9 months prior to meeting Miriam and was still struggling with emotions around it. I had sought therapy earlier in the year and was told my ex is likely a “covert narcissist,” but I didn’t totally buy it. And still the talk therapy hadn’t really had much impact on my struggle.
In working with Miriam, I learned that my experiences of being gaslighted and regularly criticized had actually produced trauma, and my difficult emotions were a very normal response. My ex exhibited traits that I experienced as a child more overtly from my father. I thought I had dealt with my issues around my father in talk therapy, but I discovered that I had been repeating energy patterns from childhood in unhealthy relationship choices as an adult. I learned that I had energy stuck in my body from real traumas I’d experienced, which talk alone was just not able to process.
Miriam’s work cleared old patterns and created healing for me in profound ways simply not accessible via talk therapy. Through working with her, I have been able to clear the immediate pain completely. I now have tools for compassionately helping myself if painful memories arise, and I am no longer terrified of dating, but looking forward to a healthy relationship in my future.”
- T.H., Colorado