Disney vs. Real Marriage
Marriage Magic Mindbody Wellness
Dear Awesome Woman,
If you grew up like me, you may have watched an enormous amount of Disney movies and Hollywood shows. And if you didn’t, consider yourself lucky!
By the time I reached my teens, hundreds of ideas of romance were embedded in my brain along with the impactful lessons of fairy-tale, infatuation-addicted love songs that played constantly on the radio everywhere.
Guess what? These were not helpful for realistic expectations of dating and marriage—not for me and I believe not for anyone.
I actually see it now as an insidious form of brainwashing. As Swiss-born British philosopher and author Alain de Botton says so clearly: “… the classic Romantic model has sold us on a number of self-defeating beliefs about the most essential and nuanced experiences of human life: love, infatuation, marriage … .” Many people are coming to recognize that these “fairy tale” expectations are not serving us well, and the high level of divorce certainly proves that the world does not educate properly and realistically about dating, relationships and marriage.
Marriage, even if you believe in the concept of “soulmates,” involves conflict, growth, and accepting imperfectionism. This is organic to the relationship itself.
I love the kindness and compassion that de Botton shares with this statement: “My view of human nature is that all of us are just holding it together in various ways — and that’s okay, and we just need to go easy with one another, knowing that we’re all these incredibly fragile beings.”
To partner up with someone is such a brave act. And false ideas and expectations of how relationships “should be” could lead us away from our loved ones instead of closer together.
So let’s get realistic. I’d like to share with you a beautiful lesson from the Lubavitcher Rebbe. A young woman named Chana Sharfstein once came to the Rebbe for a private audience. As a compassionate father figure to her as well as the spiritual leader of the Lubavitch Chassidic sect, he inquired about her dating, and then upon hearing that she had rejected some good young men, said that she read too many novels. The Rebbe shared this very timely advice that we can all take to heart.
“Love, he explained to me, is not that which is portrayed in romantic novels. It isn’t that overwhelming, blinding emotion that is portrayed in a romance. These books do not portray real life, he said. It is a fantasy world, a make-believe world with made-up emotions. Fiction is just that—fiction—but real life is different.
And then, as a father to a daughter, he began to explain to me the meaning of real love.
Love, he told me, is an emotion that increases in strength throughout life. It is sharing and caring and respecting one another. It is building a life together, a unit of family and home. The love that you feel as a young bride, he continued, is only the beginning of real love. It is through the small, everyday acts of living together that love flourishes and grows.
And so, he continued, the love you feel after five years or 10 years is a gradual strengthening of bonds. As two lives unite to form one, with time, one reaches a point where each partner feels a part of the other, where each partner no longer can visualize life without his mate by his side.
Smilingly he told me to put aside the romantic notions developed by my literary involvement, and view love and marriage in a meaningful way.”
From the Rebbe’s very powerful words, we can see that where there is kindness, generosity, respect and partnership, love can grow and a marriage can be nurtured.
As I mention in my marriage e-guide, 6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today! and Your Marriage Magic blog, creating a home of emotional safety, both for yourself and your spouse is crucial.
Many of us do not know what emotional safety is and were not raised in the most functional homes with parents respectful of each other and peace reigning supreme. We are not taught sage advice about relationships in school or even at home—the focus is academic and science, history and math do not help a marriage stay together. And again, those love songs and romantic Hollywood movies inundate our heads with fantasies that don’t work in real life marriages.
I was fortunate, in addition to my Coach and Mindbody/Somatic trainings, to have trained with relationship expert, Laura Doyle. Though I chose not to get her certification—she requires that her certified coaches coach in a particular style that doesn’t integrate my somatic healing methodology—I do include the skills in my sessions with clients. I also recommend reading her books which I find filled with realistic advice. As always, I suggest filtering everything that you read because you also have your own wisdom and intuition. However, some of the things that may cause us to cringe or balk, may just be the balm that we need for our marriages.
Alain de Botton is fun to listen to and is also very real in what he shares about marriage: On Love (and romantic myths)
Here are a few more ideas for women to consider—my clientele is mostly women so I focus on what wives can do to improve their marriages, though I am well aware that men also need to change. But since we can’t make anyone else change, my heartfelt intention is to empower you, dear awesome woman.
1) Inspirational speaker, Gedale Fenster, says that if you are 70% strong in your marriage, that is a great thing. Be satisfied and grateful for that. And do what you can to make everyday better. Each interaction with your spouse can be an opportunity to be kind and connecting. I tell my clients that each time you use a marriage skill, it is like adding a gold coin into your marriage bank account.
2) Contemplate this: “When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.” — John Gray
Though this may seem immature, John Gray is sharing a realism. It behooves us as women to listen and change the only behavior that we can—our own. It means keeping our mouth shut at times, seeing the good, never taking anything for granted, doing our inner work including owning our shadow (again, please read and do: 6 Simple Tips to Up the Vibe of Your Marriage Today!) and definitely, definitely using The ROAR! Process to release your pain, resentment, frustration and confusion as well as access your intuition. The ROAR! Process is a somatic release technique I developed and it has been a great tool to better my marriage as well as helping repair my clients’ marriages. It is also foundational for having good health.
3) Shaunti Feldhahn did surveys for her book, For Women Only. A married man said something very important for women to understand: “The male ego is the most fragile thing on the planet. Women have this thought that He’s got such a huge ego that I need to take him down a peg. No way. The male ego is incredibly fragile.” Shaunti says that “what is at stake isn’t his pride as much as his secret feelings of inadequacy as a man.”
Marriage is teamwork. Even if it feels like at times that your husband isn’t considerate of you or is shut down, there are actions you can take to bring emotional safety into your marriage and create a home of peace, love and intimacy. Our weddings and our marriages may start as beautiful fantasies, but if we don’t have skills, all those good feelings can quickly disintegrate into very smelly smoke and choke the life out of the relationship. Let’s wash our brains out from false expectations that cause pain and step into a new plane of reality—one where we step into the tremendous power of our female grace and wisdom. That is in your hands.
Need a helping hand? If you’re a woman who would love to enjoy a peaceful marriage and home and be empowered as an individual, I can help you achieve that. Somatic Healing sessions are done over the phone. Schedule your 20-minute free Marriage Magic Clarity Call today!
More Mindbody Wellness at MiriamRacquel.com
“Working with Miriam has been one of the most incredible healing experiences for me. She guided me into healing some interesting and life bothering issues in my life. Dove straight into what I felt what was holding me back from being the best version of myself. I really enjoyed her way of releasing some hard emotions that I have held inside for so long. Most importantly I felt so free to open up to her. She has this really awesome way of making you feel so safe to completely be yourself. Totally no judgment.” -Rima, France
Enjoy my Award-Winning, #1 Best Selling memoir (in Women & Judaism), God Said What?! #MyOrthodoxLife.It’s a tale of love, humor, faith, and Kabbalistic mystical happenings.
“Ms. Feldman writes engagingly about a journey of discovery for meaning in life. She fought it tooth and nail, but inexorably, by degrees, and despite herself, her own truth emerged. This is primarily a love story, but also a testimony to the fact that even our most cherished notions of truth might be re-cast under close self-examination. It also reminds us that enlightenment may come from the most unexpected of sources. A great read!” A.H
Sending love and blessings,
Miriam Racquel (Meryl)
Master Mindbody/Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach, Anxiety & Trauma Specialist
This article first published @ https://yourmarriagemagic.com/disney-vs-real-marriage/
