10 Tips to Spot a Borderline/Narcissist—Starting Off the New Year Right!
Mindbody Wellness & Clarity Tips
New Year means fresh beginnings and awesome possibilities. Let’s make sure that we start it off smart and discerning about all our relationships and continue using our wisdom as the year unfolds.
I’m sharing here an excerpt from my free e-guide: Escape from the Borderline/Narcissist’s Web – 10 Tips to Spot Them, 3 Ways to Cut Their Effect on You, 3 Steps to Make a Safe Exit
Dear Awesome Woman,
I’m not going to waste your time explaining what a Borderline/Narcissist is. Obviously if you’re here, then you’ve already heard of them and the damage that they can wreak on your mind, body and soul. No joke.
So, to begin with, here are 10 tips to spot them early so you don’t get trapped in their controlling web:
1. They’re overly friendly, generous, and charming.
They have landed their line in you and are reeling you in. How do you know? Normal folks are kind and may offer help, but they don’t need to charm and they’re not excessively generous. If you feel yourself being charmed and doted on to the extreme, run the other way. A person with decent self-esteem doesn’t need to charm and doesn’t have the time to overly focus on you.
2. They “get” you.
They really seem to understand you and where you’re coming from. They know how you feel. This is not empathy; this is part of the reeling in. They are superb manipulators and know what makes people tick. They know that they need to make you feel safe before they show their true selves and get all entitled on you.
3. They’re multi-talented.
It’s part of their charm. In fact, you’re probably very impressed by them.
4. They move in quickly.
They know they want you, whether as a friend, a lover, or a close co-worker. You are their goal. They will court you.
5. They say odd things, but they are so nice that you ignore the funky feeling it sets off in your body.
You may even furrow your brows and feel a bit confused. Most likely you”ll just smile awkwardly to be polite and not make waves. But something just doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t feel right in your body, something seems off, but you can’t put your finger on it or are uncomfortable putting your finger on it.
6. They will talk badly about other people behind their backs.
They may make fun of someone, make a snide comment, or put them down. If you are not in the habit of doing this and it is against your integrity to talk behind others’ backs, do not walk—run. And fast. Or speak up! Call them on it. Don’t just try to defend the person who is not in the room with you. Say, “Hey, it’s really rude to speak that way about another person. I’m not into that.” If they put you down because you speak up or if they try to laugh it off, keep calling a spade a spade. Show that you aren’t easily intimidated or afraid to speak your mind. And then walk away. They’ve shown their true colors. As Maya Angelou warns, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” If the Borderline/Narcissist is speaking this way about someone, then it’s quite possible that in the future, it will be about you.
7. They won’t like you if you don’t show an interest in them.
So don’t. They want to have power over people, and if they can’t have the power over you, then they won’t like you. One of the ways they do this is with their super charming personality and their many talents. Don’t get that interested.
8. They seem really down to earth and deep.
But they’re not. They’re missing something inside. They want your energy and will suck you dry if you let them. You have something that they want. They are energy vampires. Maybe not at the beginning of the relationship—at the beginning they are generous, attentive, kind, thoughtful, etc. but don’t be fooled. They will eventually become a vampire. Or Dr. Jekyll’s Mr. Hyde. Not fun.
9. They’re confusing.
They say something about you that makes you go “huh” or feel defensive.
10. They try to get you to do something that you don’t want to do.
They’re persistent and you feel intimidated, not physically, but emotionally and socially. You feel uncomfortable saying no. You get a sense that they are judging you for not doing what they want you to do. And they may be. But in truth, it’s not their judgments that are the problem. Your own judgments about you are the problem and the Borderline/Narcissist will use your weaknesses and vulnerabilities for their own devices—to get you to do what they want.
You can stand up to them. You can tell them that you feel bullied and pressured and that you don’t like that. But don’t engage in an argument with them. This is not up to debate. Either you feel bullied or you don’t. If you do, state it clearly and don’t explain or even have a conversation with them about it.
The Borderline/Narcissist is a master manipulator and you will get confused. There is something broken about them—a twisting of the mind—and they will defend themselves. Or maybe this time, they’ll apologize. And maybe next time, they’ll apologize.
But at some point, they’ll be expecting you to apologize and tell you that you hurt them. And then you will regret being involved with them, but too confused to figure out why.
Also, if they tell you something about yourself, keep in mind they may be lying. They want you to feel vulnerable and dependent on them. It is a power tool of theirs to get you in their web (and to stay there after you’ve lost your way).
Just remember this: You are more amazing than you know, and be careful of the labels that they put on you. Walk away now.
If a Borderline/Narcissist causes you to feel doubtful of your abilities or ashamed of your personality, set up a free Clarity call —I have tools to help you, but please DO NOT give your power away to the Borderline/Narcissist. They’ll only hurt you, not help you.
A few other helpful articles:
Need a helping hand? Schedule your free 20-minute Clarity Call today! As a Somatic Healer, Marriage Coach and Anxiety & Trauma Specialist, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Emotional/physical pain relief, trauma and anxiety release, marriage wellness, dating help, Borderline/Narcissist relationship detox, and career clarity are accomplished through an integrated somatic process over the phone. Mindbody Wellness is not just talk therapy! Discover your clear path to empowerment and joy now.
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