When You Can’t Make It All Better for Others
Mindbody Wellness Clarity Tips
Dear Awesome Woman,
Most of us are compassionate people who desire less suffering in the world. We for sure desire less suffering for those who we care deeply for—family members and friends. And yet, there are times when we can’t carry the burden of those we love. And that can feel very powerless and frustrating.
As souls in bodies, we each have our own journeys on this very complicated planet. Our paths intersect with others and there are often times that we can be helpful with acts of kindness and lending a hand.
But what can you do if after lending a hand, lending money, giving great advice, or doing many acts of kindness and favors, and the person you care about is still in a place of suffering? What do you do then?
My suggestion is to use the spiritual energy of Hod. Hod is a kabbalistic concept and one of its strengths is to “give space” and to surrender to “what is”, to let go of expectations and to sit in what’s present. This tapping into the energy of Hod is beneficial for you as well as the one you care about.
Here are two ways to do this:
A breath for me, A breath for you.
This technique is simple and I learned it in a self-compassion healing class. It goes like this—take a conscious breath in and release as you think quietly to yourself: A breath for me, a breath for you.
You can even think a hundred breaths for me and a thousand breaths for you. You can be creative with the number of breaths—whatever pops to mind. But you’re basically breathing in deeply and consciously with the intention of breaths for you and breaths for the other. This has a very big calming effect on the body.
Breathing consciously helps prevent us from shutting down from the emotional intensity of a situation. When your hands are tied to help someone more than you already have, your deep love and compassion for the other can be transmitted into breath.
Listen and validate their feelings.
We can’t necessarily fix something for someone. Again, whatever we can do with respect to our time, energy, finances etc. is great, but many times, we just need to listen without advising or jumping in to save. Parenting books like the ones by Mazlish and Faber, as well as a book called, “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better,” by Gary & Joy Lundberg (for compassionate communication in any kind of relationship) have great tips for validating the feelings of others. Just that in itself can provide a space of healing.
Here’s a few phrases to use for compassionate validation:
“I hear you.”
“That must be difficult.”
“I don’t blame you for feeling that way.”
“I wish it were different for you.”
Avoiding the word, “why?”, which usually puts people on the defensive and just providing a soft landing place for their discomfort, frustration, dismay, sadness, and pain with the above phrases will allow people to feel recognized, heard and understood.
So, when you can’t make it all better, I invite you to step into the breath and/or the validated listening. Your nervous system will be able to relax as will the person’s you care for. The fixing adrenaline-laced energy will be gone and replaced by a much softer energy of love, compassion and connection.
Need a helping hand? As a Somatic Healer, Clarity Coach, and Relationship Expert, I help empower women to trust themselves through the wisdom of their bodies and intuition. Stress and pain relief, trauma processing, marriage magic, dating help, Narcissist/Borderline-
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